Over the last several years I’ve been struggling with anxiety. I share this because the more I learn that other people struggle, the less isolated I feel in my own fears.
I can pinpoint exactly where my anxiety started in my young adult life. Back in 2012, I was working part time at Pottery Barn. I was assisting a guest at the store with purchasing some dining furniture. Standing behind the counter, I started feeling extremely nauseated and the store began spinning. The next thing I realize, I’m on the ground staring up at my manager, coworkers and my customer.
Someone called Brandon and he rushed to the store. He rode with me in the ambulance to the hospital. I had no idea why I fainted. Even after a series of tests that came back clean, doctors couldn’t tell me either. No one, including myself, knew it was because I just suffered a panic attack.
About a year later Brandon and I closed on our house. After the closing, we were at the grocery store together buying food for a BBQ since we were hosting friends and family. The reality that we just made the biggest purchase of our lives was beginning to settle in. Again, my mind started racing. I was taking short shallow breaths and I swear the whole store could hear my heart thumping out of my chest. I remember having these irrational thoughts that we were going to run out of money now that we just bought a house. Thankfully, I didn’t faint that time.
Diagnosis
Fast forward a few years later to my yearly physical. Somehow I found the courage to tell my doctor that I had been struggling with what I believed to be anxiety. The only other person who knew up until then was Brandon. I was afraid that if I admitted it to my doctor, then all of the sudden I would be labeled. Anxiety: a word forever tied to my name and medical file. My doctor referred me to a psychologist to be clinically evaluated.
After a series office appointments, a 50+page take home questionnaire, and an office evaluation I was officially diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) at 29 years old. The doctor told me the source of my anxiety was actually the result of having ADHD. I grew up my entire life undiagnosed. It’s funny because I always knew deep down inside I had ADHD. I was just ashamed to admit it. (Again, the fear of being labeled).
I struggle with sitting still for long periods of time. As a child, my parents sent me to 2 Kindergartens in the same year because I “needed it.” I rode the bus to AM Kindergarten at one school, then my mom picked me up and dropped me off at the second school for afternoon Kindergarten.
Academics were always a big challenge for me. (Yep, I was the kid that was sent out into the hall for distracting and talking to others). Following through and finishing ordinary tasks is also difficult for me. Without a written plan, list, or accountability I will often deviate or make spontaneous decisions. It wasn’t until I graduated from college that worry, fear, anxiety and panic began.
Why am I sharing this now?
I struggled silently with ADHD induced anxiety for years before I found the courage to speak up for the fear of admitting I needed help. Even today, I feel nervous about sharing. Social media can sometimes play a role with my fears. For me personally, it’s easy to get sucked into comparing my successes/failures with others, which I wrote about few months ago in this post. That is the main reason I unfollowed so many accounts.
Recently I came across a journal entry I wrote in my work notebook from January 2018. (I have a real journal but these thoughts came to me and I didn’t want to lose them by wasting time looking for my journal because: ADHD). This stream of consciousness was birthed from a time of clarity and revelation after years of feeling like a failure in different areas. It’s been a huge source of encouragement to me lately and I’d like to share it with you.
Below is the scanned image of my notebook. Beneath that is the typed version, which I included for ease of reading. My sincere hope is that by sharing my mental health struggles, the less isolated other people will feel.
Let Me Overthink About It
1 Samuel 17- As I sit here reflecting on God’s word and how he was with David when he killed Goliath… Its’s amazing how God used David, just as he was. King Saul tried to give David his own armor and sword, but David knew he wouldn’t be able to defeat his giant in someone else’s armor and sword. How often do we, in our own lives, try to face our giants using other people’s armor/sword? It’s impossible- we would only fail. David wasn’t his true authentic self in King Saul’s armor- he felt awkward and could barely walk! David embraced who he was, and stood firm in confidence, obeying God in his truest form of himself and it was then that he was able to defeat Goliath.
How many times in my own life do I try to defeat my giants using other people’s armor/sword instead of embracing who I truly am, and my own God-given talents and abilities? How much better would I be in most situations in life if I was confident in my own skin, and stopped trying to awkwardly wear/hide/cover up in another person’s armor? Why do I try carrying other people’s swords when God has given me my own unique sling and stones?
Another thought I had was, how incredible is it, that the very same God who was with David on that day, when he defeated his giant, is the exact same God who is with me now, who is with me when I’m facing my giants? Only, I still try to wear other people’s armor when I fight my giants instead of facing them just as I am in the presence of God!
That same God, who was with David, who defeated a physical GIANT, is with me, with us, every day. If God was with David, in battle, in a physical war, how much easier do we think it is for God to be with us and defeat the battles we wage in out minds? He is with us, we just need to have faith like David did.
What now?
While we are still in the first month of the new year, many of you are still working on your goals/resolutions for 2020. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, please please please seek help. Anyone I know who battles with mental health issues wishes they sought help sooner.
As for me, I’ve been going to therapy and I’m on medication. Therapy has helped tremendously and I’m so grateful I took that step and invested in myself. Believe me, my problems haven’t disappeared just because I’m in therapy and I take a prescription. I’m so glad I took the steps and was patient with myself to get to where I am now. If you find yourself in a similar mindset, please don’t wait. Reach out to someone today.
I’m starting a series here called “Things I’m Leaving Behind in 2019” and I thought this was the perfect way to start. I have SO much more to share with you on what I left behind and the changes that have helped me. Hopefully they will help you too!
Remember: Your biggest strength is who you are.
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