This week I want to end this series on what I feel is the most important concept I’m leaving in the past. That, my friends, is my fear or worry of other people’s opinions. Let me preface by saying this epiphany didn’t happen overnight.
It’s taken me months of practice to reach this point. Unfortunately, I can’t pinpoint exactly when, where or how this happened. One day it just clicked: I was wasting my precious time and energy worrying about the judgement of other people. Life is too short. I have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish and my fear of people’s opinions (both good and bad) were weighing me down.
Loss of 2 jobs and my best friend
When I was in my early 20’s I experienced three consecutive major let downs/losses. The first one involved my boss hiring another man to do a job I had spent weeks working on. This was just a few months after I asked for a raise, and coincidentally was told there was no money in the budget.
After I resigned from that position, I was hired to work for a company doing social media. Six months later, my position was eliminated and I was laid off. To add salt to the wound, that same day I was let go, Brandon received a major promotion at work. (Which he completely deserved!)
A few weeks after I was laid off, one of my best friends completely ghosted me. Like, one day we were having drinks and the next day poof! Gone. Totally disappeared from my life without any explanation or closure. This was someone I spent countless hours with who I had known since middle school. I referred to their house as my second home and my second family. This person was in our wedding party. To this day, I still have zero clue why none of my calls or texts have been returned.
Needless to say, these 3 consecutive experiences caused me to seriously doubt myself. On the outside, life moved on as usual. If you didn’t know me, you’d think everything was fine, but on the inside, I was constantly worrying. (See my recent post on my struggle with anxiety)
At my subsequent job after being laid off, I was constantly afraid I was going to get fired. I went above and beyond working like crazy to prove myself. After becoming close with a new friend, I worried she would ghost me too. I truly believed I wasn’t good enough. It sounds so dumb now as I’m writing it out, but these were actual thoughts that went through my mind.
Changing my mindset
In my mid-late 20’s, I went though years of doubting and talking myself out of doing things I wanted to do because I was afraid. “What if I fail?” “If I do {blank} will I look dumb?” “What if I look like a poser?” To make things even more fun, add all that to the mess of our house construction, stir it up, and bake at 350 degrees for several years.
It wasn’t until I took the plunge into working in real estate full time that I began slowly gaining back my confidence. The brokerage I joined was amazing. I met and learned from some of the best in the industry there. Having my own business has taught me so much.
For example, my first year as a Realtor, I had a horrible client interaction where a seller was cursing and yelling at me over phone. (Who knew getting an offer $3000 below the list price could make someone so angry?) I was afraid that standing up to my client would cause more anger or a bad review online. A conversation with my manager after that experience gave me permission to never allow anybody to speak to me that way again.
Outside of work, one of the most influential people that helped me change my mindset was Gary Vaynerchuk. I began consuming his content almost daily. Slowly over time, something clicked and made me realize I valued other people’s opinions way too much. Inadvertently, I was also allowing the people I regularly spent time with to bring me down.
This realization smacked me in the face September 2019 when my best friend Sarah hit me with a truth bomb. We met up for a long weekend getaway in the Outer Banks. One afternoon, I confessed that it was the most fun I had in months and couldn’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Sarah, in the most sincere way, told me I needed new friends. It hit me hard, but she was right. I was allowing my precious time to be consumed by people in who were constantly in chaos or were sucking all the joy from my life with their problems.
After that weekend away, I went deeply into self reflection, further than I had ever gone in any therapy session. I searched, meditated, prayed and leaned into that still small voice. (I call it God/Holy Spirit, some call it their gut instinct.) The following week, I switched real estate companies despite my huge fear of change. I refused to let anxiety or judgement or disappointment keep me from growing my business.
Resources that helped me
One of the best outcomes of that weekend away to the Outer Banks was the new bond I made with my girlfriends. We started reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Every other week we meet via FaceTime to lift one another up and discuss a chapter of the book.
Some other books that have seriously kicked my ass this year are Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. Two completely different perspectives, but very similar message. I highly recommend you read them both!
The best resource by far that helped me (besides Brandon) were the strong influential women in my life. Both near and far, I confided in less than a handful of women who lifted me up and encouraged me. If the people you regularly hang out with are not lifting you up, encouraging or cheering you on, do what Sarah said and get some new friends.
Be patient
It’s important that I reiterate again that this change didn’t occur overnight. First and foremost, I needed to be willing to make serious changes in my habits, behaviors and mindset. I stopped consuming content that was toxic to my mental health and unfollowed a lot of people on social media. This may sound extreme, but I even fired clients who were causing more stress than their business was worth. Most importantly, I found the courage to put myself out there and started Working Lunch.
What is it that you are afraid of starting because you are crippled by other people’s opinions? That thing you’ve dreamed of for weeks, months or years? NOW is the time to stop procrastinating and just do it. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Do not deprive other people of the greatness inside you.
Your biggest strength is who you are!
This is Part 3 of 3 in my short series of things I’m leaving behind in 2019. Click to read Part 1 and Part 2.
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